We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each has turned to his own way; and the LORD has laid on Him the iniquity of us all.
I found myself at a crossroads in life. I am a recovering alcoholic and addict. I have gone down the road of recovery many times only to return to my old destructive ways. I was literally sick and tired of being sick and tired. I was tired of starting over again, and again, and again. I was tired of losing everything, my children, my home, my jobs, my integrity, and my sanity.
You would think that all the guilt, shame, and pain that came from hurting the people that I love the most would be reason enough to change. That having my children taken from me and placed in foster care would be reason enough to change. That working the streets selling my body and my soul just to get high or being homeless and living on the streets eating out garbage cans would be reason enough. It would keep me sober for a while. Then the weight of all that I had done would consume me, wrapping me up in its cold lonely darkness, once more convincing me that I had screwed up way too much to ever be forgiven of all the destruction I had caused. I couldn’t escape the increasing weight of all I had done.
I also couldn’t seem to outrun being a victim to the memories of my innocence being taken at 5. That apparently left a scar visible to other child predators letting them know I would be easy prey. I couldn’t shake how betrayed and broken I felt as a child. I couldn’t seem to fix the deep wounds of words that were constantly used to describe me. I didn’t know how to let go of the anger that raged on inside of me from the abuse that I had suffered. I was so intensely scared of being alone and desperate to be loved that I would allow the men in my life to continue to abuse me. Fear ultimately consumed me, guiding every step I took and choice I made.
I could feel my soul screaming inside needing and seeking relief from the constant self-hatred and self-worthlessness I felt. I didn’t want to continue to just numb this overwhelming pain only to have it resurface with a vengeance once again.
I was so incredibly desperate for change, desperate for healing, desperate for comfort, desperate for love, desperate for peace, (if that was even possible). I had come to a point that I couldn’t keep going in the direction I was heading and yet I didn’t know how not to. I remember shouting to God in my head “If you’re there help me! Please.”
God had given me the gift of desperation and I didn’t know what an incredible blessing that was or the crazy miracles it would create. I also had no idea how much my life was going to change; I didn’t even know for sure He had heard me or if He even cared. He started something new inside me that night, and boy did my life begin to change.
It didn’t change overnight. I have spent countless nights crying that brought healing in the morning. I’ve learned that having a relationship with Jesus and allowing Him to heal me is a process not an event. I had to willing to do my part and He would handle the rest. I had to admit to my weaknesses, and my powerlessness, and to start trusting in His strength and wisdom for my life. I am either working on recovery or I am working on a relapse. I need to get out of my comfort zone and act and work with God doing my part and trusting He always does His.
I had to submit to His will, His plan, His ways, His purpose, and His love. It is becoming completely honest with myself, God, and others. It is taking responsibility for my own actions and not continuing to own others harmful, painful actions as my own. It is allowing God to mold and shape me into who He created me to be. Which means I must lay down my own harsh judgements of myself and begin to see myself as God sees me. Not allowing my overwhelming insecurities to get in God’s way.
Most importantly it is finding and giving forgiveness to others who have hurt me and those I love, including myself. This is what I struggled with the most. The dreaded F word. In this blog I will share my journey and how God allowed my faith and freedom to grow through forgiveness.
I pray that this blog brings you closer to Jesus so you too may know your worth and the unfailing perfect love of Jesus. That it helps you learn the power of forgiveness and how to give and receive it. That God created you for a purpose and a plan and that nothing you have ever done outweighs the love of Jesus. I pray the eyes of your heart be enlightened so that you too may know the hope to which He has called you.
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